Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well. Matthew 9:22

You know that you want to heal. Living with an eating disorder is no longer bearable. Thus you have sought recovery through the Twelve Steps. Yet there is a stumbling point—faith. If the addict seeking to recover works the steps and employs the tools of recovery, where does faith come in? Is faith really necessary for recovery?

For the one who has been repeatedly battered by years of eating disorders and addictions, it is hard to feel confident that God really wants to free you from the bondage of addiction. Perhaps you have grown up being taught that God loves you and that with Him all things are possible. Yet years of praying and attempting to fix the problem have only taken us further down the chute. Why should we start trusting God now? The Big Book speaks of the need to have faith and to grow in our faith, but for those who have long gotten by without faith, it seems like an indefinable, mystical suggestion.

What is Faith?

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Faith may be intangible and hard to define, but this must not discount the force and power of abiding faith. Faith is conviction—a rock-solid belief. Faith in God and His power also carries with it a sense of hope. If God is good, and we believe this, then our confidence in Him must entail a hope-filled assurance.

Why Do We Need Faith To Recover?

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.

(The Big Book, 3rd & 4th Editions, Page 47).

So many of us come into recovery battered and bruised. Some of us have had negative experiences with organized religion, or we’re reluctant to trust a God who was seemingly silent for so many years as we languished in addiction. The encouragement to “have faith” is asking the impossible. And yet we know that we must have it and that whatever faith we do have must grow.

If we do not believe that God can help us to recover, our sobriety is likely to be short-lived. Think of how many years you have suffered as a victim of your addiction. You may have believed you could get a grip on it, yet experience showed that you were powerless against it. If you approach recovery intending to trust you own efforts, what real confidence can you have in your ability to supersede a force that has consistently knocked you down?

Yet with God—a power greater than ourselves—there is the promise of victory. Many of us have never known that this power was available to us and we’ve never sought it. The Twelve Step program opens our eyes to possibility. When we believe that the same power that fashioned the universe can fix the mess we’ve made of our lives, then are beginning to have faith.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, Ephesians 2:8

What Must I Do To Have Faith?

Though it seems like a chore to conjure up faith, the process is actually quite simple. The only variable that you contribute to the equation is willingness. Faith is a gift from God, but He will not create faith in the heart that is closed to it. Affirm to God that you desire faith. Ask him to help your unbelief and begin to believe that He will.

Jesus teaches it perfectly: And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.” And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.” And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” Mark 9:17-25

Teen Risk-Taking Basics

Risk-taking is a natural character trait that appears in children and teenagers as they grow and develop. This trait is especially evident in teenagers, who engage in risky behaviors more often than younger children or adults, and therefore involve themselves disproportionately in such activities as driving at dangerous speeds, participating in criminal conduct, and engaging in unprotected sex. In part because of the risky choices they make, teenagers experience health problems fully twice as frequently as younger children, and also die twice as frequently. Traditionally, authorities in the United States and other countries try to limit teen participation in risky behaviors by setting legal limits on the age at which people can do things such as smoke tobacco, drink alcohol, drive a car, or make judgments regarding medical care for themselves or others.

Motivations for Risky Behavior

For a long time, the general consensus among behavioral specialists has been that teenagers typically take risks even when they know the likely consequences of their actions. However, according to the results of a study published in 2012 in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, teenagers are at least as likely to avoid risks as adults when they know in advance that their conduct can cause them harm. The difference between risk-taking in teenagers and adults emerges when the risks of a given behavior are unknown. While adults tend to avoid the potential consequences of unknown risks, teenagers tend to accept these unknowns and find out for themselves if they receive positive or negative results.

The Maturity of the Teen Brain

Traditionally, behavioral specialists have associated risk-taking in teenagers with emotional and physical immaturity. On a physical level, this point of view is supported by the fact that one of the last regions of the brain to mature completely is the pre-frontal cortex, which plays a critical role in the ability to think rationally, make sound decisions, and assess how one’s current conduct supports (or fails to support) long-term plans and goals. However, according to the results of a study published in 2009 in the journal PLOS ONE, teenage immaturity may not play the expected role in risk-taking.

The authors of this study compared the level of brain development in a group of teenagers to their level of involvement in such risky activities as taking drugs, drinking alcohol, and smoking tobacco. After reviewing the results of this comparison, the study’s authors concluded that the teenagers most likely to get involved in risky behaviors actually have brains that are more fully developed (i.e., adult-like) than the brains of teens who shy away from risky behaviors.

The Crucial Role of Peer Pressure

If risk-taking teenagers tend to have well-developed, mostly mature brains, what drives them to participate in risky activities? A multi-university research team attempted to answer this question as part of a study published in 2013 in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science. According to the authors of this study, peer pressure plays a critical role in determining whether a teenager will take or avoid a given risk. Essentially, teens are unusually sensitive to how they appear in the eyes of their close friends and acquaintances; in part, this sensitivity stems from the increasing amount of time that teenage peers spend in each other’s company. When a teen’s peers voice support for a certain type of behavior, he or she has a significantly increased chance of participating in that behavior. This peer-based support effectively overrides the teen’s long-term goals and reinforces risky, short-term-oriented thinking.

The authors of the study concluded that the influence of peer pressure actually extends into the basic ways in which the brain operates. When teens are in the presence of their peers, they experience unusual activity increases in the parts of the brain responsible for deciding whether the reward for a given behavior justifies the amount of risk involved in that behavior.

For the Christian in recovery, there is a sweetness that comes in discovering how the words of Scripture support and enhance the principles of recovery. In this series, we will look at the Fruit of the Spirit detailed by the Apostle Paul in the book of Galatians, and examine the importance of each fruit in the life of the recovering alcoholic.

Our society is consumed with the notion of happiness and what we must do to achieve it. This is what everyone wants and expects in life—to be happy. We thought we could find happiness in alcohol and all of the fun that the drinking, partying life promised us. We thought we would find it in money and landing the perfect job, or in sex and finding the perfect romantic partner.

What we discovered was that drinking wasted us, the job and the money didn’t fulfill us, and our romantic partners disappointed us. When we depended upon people and circumstances to fulfill our deepest longings, we found that they consistently failed to deliver.

But what if deep, abiding happiness and contentment had nothing to do with these outside entities? What if we could know joy without the drinking, the parties, the job, the money, and the sex?

Joy describes a deeper level of emotion and state of being than momentary happiness. When we know joy, we experience a peace and general contentment with our life and circumstances no matter what they may be.

How is this possible? How can we be joyful and content without alcohol, money, and sex in abundance? How can we feel secure and even cheerful when life feels so uncertain?

The secret of joy is that it does not come from the world; it comes from God. Known as a Fruit of the Spirit, this fruit is developed as the Spirit grows in us. When we know and are led by the Spirit, we walk through life with a new sense of confidence. We know that we are living in step with God’s will for us and that the challenges we face need not rob us of our joy. In fact, they may prove to be our greatest future source of happiness and personal development.

Joy involves faith, because in order to have abiding joy we must trust that God is good and that Christ is our saving grace in the midst of an earthly life that often does not make sense. When we trust Christ for salvation, we gain the assurance of eternal life. Whatever happens in this world, it is not the final word on our lives. We may have money or we may not. We may experience great love with another human or we may not. We may have the perfect job or we may not, but in the end it does not threaten the eternal life of glory we will live with Christ. Knowledge of this truth becomes the source of great peace, contentment, and even happiness. Nothing that this world throws at us has the power to defeat this central, eternal reality.

And what could be greater cause for joy today than our release from the bondage and slavery of alcoholism? We have been given a new chance to live, to enjoy a life of purpose, and to be free. Nothing can take this away from you. Your past is behind you and a bright future lies ahead. This is a joy that no earthly promise of happiness could ever confer. You have received the gift of life and sobriety in this world and you have the promise of eternal life in the world to come. Could we ask for anything more?

And the joy must go forward. In the 12-step program, this means service. The joy we experience in knowing Christ and experiencing a release from alcoholism is magnified when we share it with others and help them to recover. Through knowing God, living in recovery, and helping others, we live the life we were created for. We come to know happiness and joy unlike any we had ever experienced.

“We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered and helped others to recover. What greater cause could there be for rejoicing than this?” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 132)

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Why Step Twelve is so difficult:

We have finally arrived at Step Twelve—the pinnacle. It is an exciting time. We look back on the time we have spent working through each of the steps. We are beginning to enjoy and embrace the sober life. We are making peace with God, our past, and ourselves. We are cleaning up our relationships and reconciling where we can. We are beginning to know who we really are—independent of alcohol.

But as pleased as we may be with some of the changes, we are also tempted to focus on the things we feel have not changed enough. We still feel the weight of our character defects. We may still be in debt or find ourselves estranged from family and friends. Shouldn’t we have made more progress in the course of working these steps? Are we really ready to take on Step Twelve if there is yet so much unfinished business?

We wonder if we can be sure we have had this ‘spiritual awakening.’ God still feels distant, there was no great flash of light, and we still struggle to pray. Daily we see our character defects spilling over onto others. What is this awakening supposed to look like and how will we know if we have had it?

Others believe they have nothing to offer. Knowing how unstable they still feel inside they doubt they could be of much use to others. We barely trust ourselves—how can we expect others to rely on us? And there is still so much we don’t know and so many days when we would kill for a drink. These are things we wouldn’t want to rub off on others.

And the practice of these principles in all of our affairs? Certainly we have not reached that lofty aim. In most cases we see ourselves acting exactly as we did in our drinking days, sans alcohol. Who are these A.A. saints and how did they get that way?

How to get through it:

Like all of the steps before it, Step Twelve reflects a desire and a decision rather than a culmination of achievement. These are the ideals we aspire to. Are we completely ‘there’ right now? Likely not. But do we desire to be? Do we step out in faith and perform the next right action trusting that God will get us ‘there?’

If you have come through these steps and you are sober and seeking God, then you have had a spiritual awakening. Think back on your drinking days and the person you were. Think about your priorities, your thought patterns, and your actions. Now fast forward to the present. Compare yourself. Can you not say that indeed there has been an awakening and that it was a change not only in your mind, but also in your very soul? You need not be troubled over the concept of the spiritual awakening. It is typically not a mystical event. Rather your spirit has been progressively altered over these past months in such a way that you are ‘awakened.’

You may feel you have very little to give and you may be right. But ask yourself this: How many days of sobriety do you have? How many steps have you completed? Now look at the man or woman or teenager walking through the door of your meeting—brand new to the group and eyes still foggy with addiction. Do you not have more experience than he or she does? Do you not have something positive to offer to this person who is likely scared, uncertain, or even hostile?

“Even the newest of newcomers finds undreamed rewards as he tries to help his brother alcoholic, the one who is even blinder than he.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 109)

Experience in A.A. living and the practicing of the principles of the program in all of our affairs comes through doing. Here is another opportunity to apply the concept of ‘acting as if.’ When faced with a decision, or the opportunity to react in one way or another, you may pause and think about the ideals we espouse as recovering persons. Though quieting your gossip or telling the truth or offering an apology may not be your instinctual response, you can choose to act in accordance with the principles you are learning. In time ‘acting as if’ is no longer acting.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Why Step Eleven is so difficult:

After the deep self-searching and relational reconciling, it would seem that Step Eleven would be a welcome relief. Yet Step Eleven presents new challenges and hurdles. It’s harder than it appears.

For those of us who have never had a relationship of intimacy and trust with God, we struggle with this step. Not only are we inexperienced in communicating with God, we are reluctant to do it. We are not sure we believe there is an Almighty out there and we certainly don’t know how to speak to Him. How do you have a conversation with someone who will not be responding in turn?

Meditation seems no easier. What do we think about? How do we keep the minutes from feeling like hours and what does it really have to do with our recovery? Christians may question meditation, thinking it a specifically New Age practice. How do believers and non-believers alike approach the practice of meditation?

Those of us who do have experience with prayer may question the suggestion that we pray only that God’s will be done and that we be given the power to carry out. In church we have often prayed for specific needs and concerns and have been encouraged by our leaders to do so. Is this wrong?

How to get through it:

Part of the beauty of the steps is the skillful sequencing with which they are presented. Step Eleven follows Step Ten for a reason. We are called upon to complete a daily inventory and prayer is a proper part of this process. As we consider our day, we ask God’s forgiveness for what we may have done wrong and we ask His guidance so that we may see if there is an action we might take in order to right the situation or keep it from happening in the future. We also thank God for what went well during the day and for His blessings to us.

Step Eleven follows on the heels of Step Ten and helps to make Step Ten more than just a tally sheet, but rather a jumping off place for personal growth and development. For those who wonder what they should say to God, reflections from the daily inventory should provide more than enough material. And remember, you aren’t being graded on the length or wordiness of your prayer. Authenticity is what counts.

As the inventory is typically done at the end of the day, many also carry a short time of prayer into the morning routine. We may use this time to connect with God for a few minutes and ask His guidance and direction for the day. If we have a difficult decision to make, we ask for insight. Ultimately we pray that His will would be done and that we would have the power to carry it out.

Likewise, meditation is no esoteric practice requiring monk-like skills or practice. We are busy people, we are living in the full stream of life, and we’re loving it. But there is also a time for stillness, reflection, and quiet. Meditation provides that opportunity. There is no special method, posture, or mantra. Simply find a comfortable, quiet place where you will not be distracted. Close your eyes and begin to breathe. Focus on the breath and allow your mind to let go of your cares. Reflect on God and some attribute of Him, take a short passage out of your recovery literature and think on it, or simply enjoy the short time of not thinking about anything at all. Your meditation need not be a marathon. Start with three minutes and see how it goes. As you come to enjoy the practice you will effortlessly lengthen your sessions.

It is not wrong to bring specific concerns to God, but we’ve seen that putting unreal expectations upon others only leads to resentment and disappointment. While God is indeed able to do all things, we must respect that it may not be His will to do so. While we should feel comfortable enough to express our deepest needs and desires to God, they should be followed up by a desire that His will would be done and that we would be able to discern that will and carry it out. This helps us to see that whatever may come to pass in life, even if it is not what we might have chosen for ourselves or others, it is the express will of God. It also saves us the disappointment of frustrated expectations when God does not bend the universe to our whims.

“There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 98)

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Why Step Ten is so difficult:

Step Ten asks us to bring the process of self-assessment into our daily lives. As we complete the day, we are to look back upon it with a careful eye. Were we dishonest, fearful, selfish or resentful? Were we kind and loving? Did we serve others? What could we have done better?

Many struggle with this step because they struggle with the meaning of recovery. We are sober; we have stopped drinking. We completed our Fourth Step inventory. Isn’t this enough? We wonder if it is necessary to always be thinking about ourselves and rehashing and dissecting our every thought, emotion, motive, and interaction with others.

Others don’t understand how to do a daily assessment. In our drinking days we were hardly aware of our personal actions most of the time, and rarely did we really consider our motives or the status of our relationships. Did we ever really think about the quality of our character? We wonder what we are looking for exactly and how we go about assessing ourselves.

And we balk at the daily expenditure of time and effort. Remembering how long and arduous was the Fourth Step, we question if we really have the time for such an endeavor. And then there is the emotional difficulty of the task. It is hard work to repeatedly look at the dark side of one self. How could this activity be anything other than depressing and morose?

If we are honest we will also confess that we don’t like to admit we are wrong or that we still have faults and character defects. We want to see ourselves as good and upright. We imagine the inventory will only be a blow to our self-esteem. We also don’t relish going before others to ask for apologies when we have wronged them. Who does this anyways?

How to get through it:

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 88)

While the Fourth Step inventory was a powerful tool for assessing the past, leveling our pride and helping us to see the character defects with which we struggle, it is merely a beginning. Self-assessment is not an activity we complete once and then are set for life. It is a lifelong activity because personal growth and development is a lifelong pursuit. Would we really want to say we are finished growing, learning about ourselves or trying to be better people? As we recover we will discover defects and personal liabilities we could never see in our years of drinking. For this reason we continue the discipline of self-assessment and the quest for personal growth.

We must recognize that even though we are sober and our days of excess drinking are behind us, emotional excess remains a threat. As we often felt the effects of our binge drinking even days later, our emotional binges can be just as damaging and the effects just as lasting—even leading us back to the bottle. Sobriety doesn’t simply mean ‘dry.’ It connotes a life focused on the recovery and improvement of our selves. We can’t live serenely today if we fail to address the upsets, fears, and misdeeds of yesterday.

Our faults and misdeeds are not our sole focus. The daily inventory should be constructed as a sort of balance sheet. It is not simply a tallying up of resentments, fears or a fight with a spouse, we are also noting the positive things we brought to the day—love, service, and thoughts of how we might put others before self. The purpose is not to make us feel wretched about our actions or guilty about the character defects we still display, but to help us see, address, and grow through them. It is a positive, character-building, change-inducing process. We seek solutions and right actions, we consider what we might have done better, and we quickly reconcile with others if we have been in the wrong.

For best results, we honestly discuss the daily inventory with our sponsors, being open to suggestions regarding any future action we might need to take. We also take the inventory before God in prayer, thanking Him for the good He has allowed us to do, asking forgiveness for our wrongs, and praying that He would guide us in wisdom and discernment.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Why Step Nine is so difficult:

Few steps are more daunting than Step Nine, but none so rewarding and freeing. You are becoming accustomed to doing uncomfortable things and moving forward bravely even when you don’t feel it. The more thorough we are, the greater our joy and the stronger our sobriety.

We made the list, but what’s next? How does a person make amends? Many of us have so wronged another person that we can’t imagine anything we might say could bring about forgiveness or reconciliation. Perhaps it is better to just avoid that individual for the rest of our lives. It seems easier than trying to fix the past.

Our pride keeps us from admitting we are sorry. We know we aren’t over our anger yet and it burns us to think of going before our enemies to confess wrong when we know we weren’t the ones who were at fault. We think they should be apologizing to us! How do we apologize when we don’t mean it?

We don’t want others to know of our alcoholism. As we make our apologies we will have to express that we are doing this as a means of getting sober—often to people we imagine know nothing of our drinking problem. Is it necessary to confess that we’re drunks now converted to A.A.?

We anticipate a negative response. Will they agree that we’ve been scoundrels and wretches? Will they listen? We fear that we’ll look like fools, that we’ll be further punished, and that we will have wasted a lot of time and effort.

In some cases, we’ve lost touch, an individual is deceased, or someone refuses to meet with us. Though we may intend to be thorough, we are daunted by instances in which it seems an amends will be impossible. How do we communicate our regret to the deceased? How do we force people to meet with us so that we can successfully complete Step Nine?

How to get through it:

Begin each amends by writing a letter to the person expressing your apology and regret. This will help you to organize your thoughts and avoid blame shifting. It will also help you to stay focused when you are actually speaking with the individual. Before scheduling a time to meet with the person to whom you will be making your amends, read the letter to your sponsor and ask for feedback. It is easy to tangle the other person’s actions into our own. We are simply apologizing for what we have done.

When you meet, explain that you are doing this to recover from your alcoholism. Sobriety is nothing to be ashamed of. Be honest about who you are and why you must make amends. Read the letter you have prepared with sincerity.

“Even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on our first trial.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 84)

Understand that you are not in charge of the other person’s response and your recovery does not depend upon reconciliation. Certainly it would be a beautiful thing if all of our relationships could be mended simply because we took the plunge and said we were sorry. Sadly, this is usually not so. In many cases your apology will be the first step in rebuilding a broken relationship, but it may take a great deal of time to regain trust. This is no cause for concern. We are not in a hurry. Release the results to God knowing you did what you could to sweep your side of the street.

“…The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time is the very spirit of Step Nine.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 87)

There is nothing more vital than the spirit with which we approach this step. There may be people who have died or that we cannot reach. To the deceased we may give the amends at the gravesite. For those we cannot reach, we write the letter and pray that God may one day give us the opportunity to present it. If a person refuses to meet, we send the letter anyway. A willing spirit and a desire to do God’s will are the necessary factors for the successful completion of this step.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Why Step Eight Is So Difficult:

Having completed the Step Four inventory, we have a good collection of people and entities we have wronged in some way. We have discussed these people and incidents with our sponsor. Now it is time to compile a specific list of the people we have harmed and become willing to make amends.

This step is a challenge on several levels. It is not only a blow to our ego to admit wrong, but to then go before the person and call it out? This is more than many of us can even imagine. We think about our years in addiction and the way in which we’ve run emotional roughshod through the lives of people we were supposed to love and care about. It is painful and uncomfortable to confront these realities.

Fear is the first hurdle we must confront and we may never really overcome it. It is scary to dissect the past, write the list, make the phone call to set the appointment, and terrifying to look the individual in the eye. Fear and apprehension are part and parcel of the process. That does not mean we should avoid the task or that we cannot do it, it just means that it is scary.  You may feel humiliated but you won’t die.

In some cases we aren’t truly sorry. Does this disqualify us from continuing with the process? We are still angry. We feel we bore greater wrong. How can we go before someone we feel has wronged us and make an apology? How can we say we’re sorry when all we feel is anger and resentment boiling under the surface? Can we still successfully complete this step if we’re just ‘acting as if’?

We may also procrastinate because we imagine a very painful and uncomfortable future interaction. Even though we aren’t on Step Nine, we’re already thinking about it and imagining that each person we add to our list is one more awkward and unbearable confrontation we are going to have to initiate. This stalls progress on the current step.

In some cases we can’t decide if making amends is required. Did we really wrong them or did we just not like them? Were they injured by our actions or our attitude? In some cases we aren’t sure if an amends would be appropriate. Maybe there is a better (easier) course of action?

How To Get Through It:

“Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 76)

There is no way around it: Steps Eight and Nine will challenge your courage, your commitment, your patience, and your ego. But untold numbers of recovering addicts before you have taken these steps and lived to tell the tale and you can too.

Success comes from taking the process one day at a time and staying in the step. Remember Step Eight does not involve the actual confrontation. You are simply making a list. Comb through your inventory for every person or entity you may have wronged. Before proceeding to Step Nine, you can discuss each one with your sponsor. He or she will provide needed guidance. All that is required at this point is willingness and diligence to the task of compiling the list.

Don’t let your emotions roadblock your actions. You may not feel 100 percent sorry. You may not feel you bear even 50 percent of the blame. For the purpose of this step it does not matter. Regardless of what happened you had at least some miniscule part in it. Take ownership.

It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 77)

Remember this isn’t just for the benefit of the other person. In fact, it hardly is at all. We are taking these measures because we need to in order to get better. Whether we are able to identify it or not, we are carrying the emotional burden of guilt and shame resulting from human relationships gone awry. While we do hope that our attempts at reconciliation will benefit the other party, this is not the main objective.

You may experience fear, anger, and uncertainty. These are feelings. This step calls for action. Pray that God would give you strength, courage, and willingness—then make the list.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Why Step Seven Is So Difficult:

We learned some hard truths about ourselves and though we’ve often been tempted to quit, run, or even drink, we’ve stayed the course and kept at it, even if our heart wasn’t always in it. Step Seven is the next hurdle and it represents a challenge because we are often prideful and self-sufficient. It was hard enough to admit that we actually had character defects. And now we have to bring them before God and ask for Him to take them away?

This kind of heart to heart conversation with God can seem daunting, even to believers. While we may say that we believe in God, we question whether or not He would actually be concerned with relieving us of our selfishness or our tendency to criticize. Is God really concerned? Can He really help? Isn’t this something we have to do ourselves?

We are self-sufficient people and we want to be in charge of ourselves. We want to run the timeline, keep the defects we like and get rid of the ones that hinder us. Even if God was capable of eliminating our defects, we prefer to man the helm.

In other cases, the hang-up is our own reluctance to change—even for the better. There is something we are hanging onto. We know our defects are defects, but some of them have served us well. Our sharp tongue helped us intimidate and control the people around us. Our gossiping gained us attention—we liked being ‘in-the-know.’ Our criticism of others made us look better (or so we thought). And the little ‘fibs’ we told got us out of the occasional scrape. While we understood that fear mongering, intimidation, gossip, and dishonesty were defects, we were reluctant to relinquish them on account of what we assessed as their positive side effects.

And some of us are just plain impatient. We are looking for results and we are not seeing them. What good is a prayer going to do? We need action! We want a ten-step plan for personal perfection. This process seems slow and ineffective. We think we have a better way.

How To Get Through It:

Willingness is the key. Without it we could not have been freed of our compulsion to drink. If you are unwilling to relinquish a particular defect, pray that God would help you to be willing. And remember, you always have the ‘act-as-if’ tool at your disposal. You aren’t committing fraud, you are taking a step of faith.

“If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 76)

Be patient. Few of our defects will be miraculously lifted in the same way that our desire to drink was. What we seek, in terms of character development, is progress not perfection. You’ve been an addict practicing these behaviors and living out these defects for years and maybe decades. How can you expect that they would magically disappear overnight? Embrace the fact that you are a work in progress.

Many will feel like they are not doing enough. Aren’t we instructed that we must take action to progress our recovery? This is true. Action is required, but it is not the action you devise on your own. The Twelve Step program is composed of paradoxes and ‘seeming’ contradictions, but it works. At times we need to redefine our terms and shift our paradigms. What if action looked like humble, focused trust? What if all that was required of you was a change of heart?

Take the list you compiled in Step Six and go to a quiet place. Look at the list and begin to express to God your willingness to be relieved of these defects.

“When ready, we say something like this: ‘My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.’ We have then completed Step Seven.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 76)

Work the steps and release the results. Simply commit to keep moving forward. Say the prayer and keep saying it. Then move on to Step Eight! The results, the changes, and the improvements will come as you obediently and willingly move forward.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Why Step Six Is So Difficult:

We believe that God has the power to fix us—we saw His amazing grace when we were spontaneously and miraculously relieved of our daily compulsion to drink. But there is still much work ahead; we are told that in order to stay sober we must grow. We must be freed of the exact character defects that caused us to drink in the first place. We must identify the parts of ourselves that are not conducive to a sober life and we must seek change. But how does one actually do it?

The first stumbling block to Step Six is our perception of the mere size of the task. We’ve just completed our inventories so we are well aware that we need fixing. But the task is insurmountable. Is it even possible to change?

Additional obstacles to Step Six:

• Inability to honestly self-assess – Some of us can’t see that there is all that much that needs changing. We’re sober now, aren’t we? What else is there?

• Lack of faith – We hear that we are supposed to surrender our defects to God, but don’t believe God can or will change us.

• Self-sufficiency – We believe that we must fix ourselves and we don’t know how.

• Hopelessness – We don’t believe we can change.

• Impatience – We are frustrated with the pace of our progress.

• Obstinate – There are defects we don’t care to give up.

• Laziness – We dislike the requisite hard work.

• Uncertainty – How do we know if we are really ready? We can say we are ready, but do we really mean it? Can we still recover even if we aren’t ready to be free of these character defects?

How To Get Through It:

Understand what you are looking for. Here is a list of common character defects you may be able to identify in yourself and in your history:

• Dishonest
• Self-pitying
• Resentful
• Critical
• Judgmental
• Suspicious, untrusting
• Fear of vulnerability
• Anxiety
• Pessimism
• Gluttony
• Anger
• Grudge-holding
• People pleasing
• Martyr
• Superiority complex
• Inferiority complex
• Emotionally uncontrolled
• Promiscuous
• Jealous, envious
• Lazy, slothful
• Greedy
• Stubborn, unyielding
• Unrealistic
• Cowardly
• Grouchy, ill-humored
• Hypersensitive
• Selfish
• Careless
• Indifferent
• Exacting, punishing

Use what you have learned about yourself through the Fourth and Fifth Steps. These pages of truth about yourself and your interactions with the world will prove invaluable in working through this step. Take out your inventory and compare it to the above list. For each defect, look for examples from your history or your present stage of life. Are you dishonest? Do you tend to tell lies to avoid trouble or penalty? Consider how these defects have played out in your addiction and how you continue to exhibit them even in recovery.

Humble yourself to ask for the input of others. After thoroughly and honestly assessing yourself, you may ask your sponsor or a trusted friend to review the list and offer feedback. It requires great boldness and courage to ask and then listen without debate or resentment. If your highest aim is to grow in the image and likeness of God, this is a conversation worth having. We are easily blinded to our own liabilities.

Many recovering addicts find themselves overwhelmed at the size of this task because they haven’t accurately understood it. Step Six does not require us to fix ourselves and be freed of our offending character defects. We are simply charged to become ready to have God remove them. You must not devise a plan for self-help and improvement, you must ask yourself, after looking at your own list of more glaring defects: Am I ready to be free of this? And if I am not yet ready, am I willing to become ready at some point?

Realize that God has a picture of the people He created us to be. When we surrender to that aim, even if we aren’t sure what the outcome will be, we open ourselves to becoming our best possible selves.

“This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The key words, ‘entirely ready’ underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we can know or can learn.” (A.A. Twelve and Twelve, 65)

For the successful completion of Step Six, readiness, willingness, honesty, and faith are the only requirements.